3 Unconscious Habits That Kill Effective Communication
Our habits support what strategies we can use for effective communication. Consider the conflicts and frustration you experience every day. If you objectively observe these communication experiences don’t be alarmed to find 98% of them are habitual communication breakdowns. Meaning, it’s predictable that you will react the same way every time you encounter a specific stimulus (Think difficult co-worker, demanding spouse, and whiny children for clearer visual).
Most of us never stop to think about the role our habits play when we’re kneed deep in an argument, manipulating others to do what we want, or taking comments personally. That’s because once habits are formed they are run unconsciously. Since we learn most of these habits in our youth, people assume what triggers them is just a part of who they are. Unfortunately, the hard-wired strategies we use when conversations start to breakdown unintentionally adds more conflict. By recognizing which of the 3 habits below are running your conversations, Communication Frustration can be sidestepped and connection can occur.
Habit # 1 – Moralistic Judging of Self and Others
The aim of this habit is to prove wrongness or badness with those who violate our values and desires. Moralistic judgements often has language like “They’re selfish”, “She’s lazy”, “He’s jealous”, “That’s not smart”, “I’m offended”, “You’re rude”, “That’s wrong”, “They’re bad people”,”That’s not right”, “He’s not a good person”. More forms of judgements would be blaming, insulting, putting-down, labeling, criticizing, and diagnosing. Moralistic judgement is always about who IS what by categorizing people and their actions.
Habit #2 – The Habit of Making Comparisons
Pointing out how someone is deficient or lacking in some way are the focal points when making comparisons. Other ways of making comparisons are “You always”, “He could never”, “She deserves better”, “I’ll do it myself”, “You’re not fair” , “I’ll never be like”, “It wasn’t meant to be”. Making comparisons is very concerned with rationalizing who deserves what. Determined by what happens to us and those we care for.
Habit #3: Denying Personal Responsibility for Self and Others
This habit uses vague and obscure language to deny responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. The habit of denying personal responsibility includes language such as “I have to”, “I need to”, “You make me feel”, “It’s not my fault”, “I was told to”, “I couldn’t help it”, “You know I don’t”. The focus of denying responsibility is always about assuming there’s a lack of choices or shifting it to a cause seemingly beyond our control.
Start observing your daily conversations for where these habits show up regularly. Where are they most frequent with your spouse, children, and co-workers? Where do you want others to take responsibility for your feelings? How often do you break commitments, expecting others to clean up? What company policies, rules, and managers do you blame for not being satisfied with your career? Focus on fixing the habits that no longer support your ambitions. Keep in mind there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s your habits and strategies that need your attention.
Making moralistic judgements, Making Comparisons and Denying Personal Responsibility are the 3 unconscious habits that block effective communication. I discussed these in a previous article and gave examples of how they cause Communication Frustration for both people. This article will...
Reframing HabitsSome people bite their fingernails. Some twirl their hair or tap their fingers on the table. Some people have a habit they call \'smoking\', which is not only a habit, but an addiction and creates a physical/psychological/mental need that can...
The 4 Habits That Build $100K CareersThe US Dept. of Commerce only 5.6% of individuals make over $100,000 a year, based on 2006 statistics. If you throw in combined household incomes over $100,000 that number rises to 15.8%. Companies just don\'t hand out six-figure incomes for...
Executive Communication Coaches for Healthy CommunicationFrom childhood on through adulthood, we are all coached in certain fields whether it be little league, math, or even birthing a child. However, what are Executive Communication Coaches? What do they do and why would they be beneficial to...
Teach Your Children Good Money Habits – Control Their SpendingToday\'s modern culture seems to always want instant gratification. The Internet provides any information we want whenever we want it. And microwaves allow us to prepare entire meals in just a few short seconds. As a result of such cultural...